My family destroyed my love life
I want to thank the Almighty God for the wisdom He gave you to solve people’s problems through your column.
A friend of mine introduced me to your column and ever since then, I have never missed it.
My story is a mixture of serious guilt and regret. I can’t imagine that I would be writing it on the pages of a newspaper, but I need your advice and those of your readers to put my mind at rest.
I have always been uncontrollably attached to my parents because I grew up with them in the village before I gained admission to the university when I had to move to the city to live with my uncle. So, I was always going home frequently to visit my parents.
I met Deborah, the lady I dated for some time in our village during one of my visits there; I developed an interest in her and informed my parents of my intentions.
My parents did not oppose her, but their reaction kept me worried for a long time. I told them to help me inquire about the lady’s family which they did.
Since there was nothing wrong with her family healthwise and otherwise, I decided to go on with my proposal to her, disregarding any grudge or grievances my parents might have against her.
I don’t know why they felt displeased with my idea in the first place; I didn’t feel comfortable with it at all because I hated anything that would hurt them or go against their will. But I love Deborah so much. She was a very humble and submissive lady, and that made me love her the more.
At the time, I was in 200 level in the university, I planned to have some years of courtship with Deborah before we started planning for our marriage.
Deborah was loving and understanding; though she was not learned, she was mature in her thoughts and she believed in my promises. She was ready to wait till I finished my education.
So, we continued with our relationship. When I was in my final year, I left my uncle’s house and rented a one room apartment in town because I wanted her closer to me.
This decision of mine brought us closer; she left the village and stayed with me in town. We started living like husband and wife.
All these while, her parents and mine were aware of the level of intimacy between us and that she had moved with me in town.
By the time I finished my five-year course, Deborah had done series of abortions because we were not ready for the commitment and expenses that would come with children.
Each time she aborted, I pleaded with her and she understood. Later, she returned to the village when things were very rough for me; I was running around for my project and graduation.
After my graduation ceremony, I went back to the village because of Deborah and with my parents waiting for the National Youth Service posting.
In a nutshell, Deborah waited for me all through my service year and sometimes, even came to visit me where I was serving.
Our relationship grew stronger and stronger, but my major concern was that she was not educated and I would have loved her to, but the circumstances surrounding us then were not encouraging. I was only a young corps member trying to make ends meet by the meager allowance I was being paid.
However, I promised her that I would do my best when I finish sending her to school; at least to complete her secondary education.
Deborah was ready to accept anything I told her. She was an orphan living with her grandfather when I met her, so, I was all she had.
After my youth service, I started looking for placement so that I could settle down with her. Luck didn’t smile on me at all and coupled with the situation in the country, I started losing hope.
Deborah was like an Angel; she was always persuading me not to give up and as God would have it, I got a job, though not a well-paid one, but manageable.
I took the news to my parents and my elderly ones. I was the last child in the family of five so, I was being indirectly monitored by my elderly ones.
When I took the news home, it was indeed a celebration and all were happy for me, but when I mentioned marriage to Deborah, Taiwo, to my surprise, everyone in the family went against it as if they had planned it.
My eldest brother, a lawyer, refused to hear anything about Deborah. He called her uneducated and unworthy of the family. My elder sister who was an NCE holder was bent on separating us. According to her, she said she had been waiting for the day that I would talk of marrying her. She said Deborah was an irresponsible girl who wanted to reap where she did not sow.
I tried to convince them, but to no avail. So, after so much pressure from my siblings, I was forced to leave Deborah. They stopped her from coming to our house. None of my elder brothers was on my side.
They said they wanted the best for me and the best was not Deborah. I tried to settle things with her, but I learnt she was no longer in the village. She had gone to live with her aunty in town and she would not tell anyone about her whereabouts.
I was perplexed for many weeks. I tried to forget her, but I couldn’t. On the long run, my mother brought another girl for me as wife, she was a graduate. Before I knew what was happening, my parents had settled the introduction and engagement was knocking at the door.
In as much as I wanted to reach out to Deborah, I couldn’t because she was unreachable. So, I accepted my fate and married Laraba.
My marriage is not a happy one. Laraba did not conceive for a long time. She was not as patient as Deborah, she would complain and cry herself out and then, I would be left helpless.
Taiwo, when we thought fate was smiling at us, the worst happened. Laraba was diagnosed with fibroid! What everyone thought was a pregnancy turned out to be a big fibroid.
After the operation, Laraba could not bear her childlessness and this was what eventually killed her. Laraba died of heart attack exactly 10 years after our marriage. I was left devastated and empty; my mother and father who initiated this had died then. My brothers and sisters only sympathised with me and nothing more.
Now, I am left to face life and destiny. Taiwo, what should I do? I am so confused, Deborah is nowhere to be found, where will I start from? Please, advise me.