Men, here’s why a toy will replace you

By Shornee Carnegie
Monday, June 10, 2013

MEN, I’m here to tell you that we’re living in a new world. The reality you were used to 20 years ago has ceased to exist. This is the world where technology drives every facet of our lives, and where women are making demands.

So if you think you can treat us any which way you want, because you think we cannot do without you, think again.

Little by little technology is making it easier for women to exist without men and so I implore you men, think again.

The two main uses of men as we knew it, were to assist in procreation and to provide for the family. But nowadays women are providing for themselves comfortably without men and are even having children without the direct involvement of men. That is our current reality.

Technology has even taken it a step further, so if a woman is not interested in procreation, or being provided for; and if she doesn’t necessarily want a warm male body around the house to take up space, and just wants to have fun, then there are all sorts of gadgets to help her.

And, I can tell you, these gadgets are highly comparable to the real thing. They come with many advantages too — there’s less risk for STDs like she faces with the average man; there’s no one to nag her, stalk her, get jealous, mess up her house or sit on the couch all day watching TV; and there’s less risk of heartache, because the gadget won’t leave her for a younger model.

These mechanical products come in all colours, shapes, sizes and textures, and they neither discriminate nor cheat.

Many men I tell that these gadgets may soon replace them, say that they are not worried, because women love the real thing. Well if that rocks your boat and makes you sleep better at nights, guys, good luck to you, but that’s the biggest fallacy there is, trust me.

Here’s how a gadget will replace you.

1. A gadget is going to replace you if your only choice of beverage is bag juice or Kool Aid. Stock up on some natural juices — you know the ‘strong back’ concoction with tonic, oats and peanuts.

2. If you do not believe that sleep is important and all you do is party non-stop, while consuming all sorts of alcoholic beverages that make you a non-performer, then your woman will have her own party with her toys at home.

3. If you take no pride in how you look, and your stomach is bigger than a nine-month pregnant woman, then say after me, ‘I am going to be the matey of a silicone phallus’.

4. If you are one of those men who malice your woman for every striking thing, and this malice will last for weeks, then sooner than later you are going to be replaced by Jimbo.

Men, stop believing the hype that you are not replaceable. A word to the wise is sufficient.

Shornee is an adventurer who likes to give a comedic spin to intense issues. A single professional, she writes to keep sane.