Yesterday I was in a taxi from Spanish Town heading home to Ocho Rios scrolling through my Facebook and Instagram timelines all while reminiscing on the great day I had on Saturday at maiden cay. I stumbled upon this post on my Facebook timeline and my mood immediately changed “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and to realize that prisoner was you”. I didn’t become saddened or happier I just felt empowered and the event of my rape came back to me in that moment and I immediately wanted to share how me forgiving my self and my rapist freed me! This is my story and this was my prison :
After I was raped I fell into a prison that the situation and I put myself in.Unlike many other people, I just wanted to have sex, a lot of sex because some how I felt that if I did it would make him be as far away from me as possible, I’d be cleansed of his touch. I used to shower a lot because I didn’t feel clean, I felt dirty all the time. I scrubbed and I scrubbed and nothing.
I used to allow people have their way with me because I felt like I was nothing and nobody. I was no one. I used to tell myself that any ill treatment I got I deserved it. I fell into depression a lot while dealing with my daily life and the other issues that came along with it. I couldn’t watch tv without seeing his face, I didn’t like to be out because I saw his face, I didn’t want to sleep by myself because he was there, I didn’t like to dream because he was in it. When I learned his name, his name was was in my head on repeat and I saw it everywhere.
My prison was also me being at a place of weakness for years and feeling dead inside, the thought that I will never be healed plagued me and sunk me deeper. I thought I was undeserving of anything good or that I wasn’t ever going to be good enough for another man because I am broken. Sometimes hugs felt suffocating, the simple touch of a man felt violent sometimes and most times I wanted to scream. The words “hug me” frightens me and scares me sometimes up until this day.
My prison was also trying to bring myself back to reality as most times I would be screaming inside at the touch or hug of another man “this is not real Tamoya! You are safe” and i slowly bring myself back to comfort and peace.
My prison was also thinking almost every time I go out or meet another man if he would hurt me “will he violate me?” Again I have to bring myself back to comfort and peace. Most times the easiest thing to do was zone out, not feeling anything but still having the thought that “whatever happens happens ! I was raped before so what if it happens again!”
Over and over I told myself I couldn’t live like this, I needed to be happy. After all He might be somewhere enjoying his evil self. Many days I realized that forgiveness would be my next step as stupid as I thought that the thought might be.I decided to forgive, I forgave him and I forgave myself. Today, I feel like I am somebody, I feel like I have purpose and I am happy. I’m no longer in a prison. I still jump inside when I think I see his face, or I see his legs, I still have to remind myself that it is not him when I see someone that that looks like him. I still have to tell myself that every man is not like him. And I still feel afraid or my heart gets stuck in my throat when I walk in my home town. I still go through all of this and one day I will not have to but regardless, I am still free ! Don’t call me a victim I SURVIVED.
#FreeYourself #Forgive #forgivenessIsNotWeakness
To read more from Tamoya