Dear Met,
I have a serious issue to discuss and I would like you and the Metter to help me, If this missive is long please forgive me but I am desperate. When I was 8 years old my sister( from my mother’s pervious relationship) came to live with us in Kingston because her father was filing for her and all embassy and everything is in town, my sister was 12 at the time. Being the only girl with two brothers I was glad to have my sister around. A little bit after she came she started wetting the bed. I remember my father would wake her up early and turn on the cold water in the hose and strip her naked and wash her down. I can remember the little tufts of hair on her privates her breasts. She never, ever cried. After that she became withdrawn and wouldn’t play with me anymore, soon the left for the states. After she left my mother heard nothing from her or her father, when I asked my mom who she said she would write me, my mother said to forget her cause she “ungrateful.’
When my family and I came to the States we lived in different states, but over the last couple of years through social media we have reconnected, she still don’t speak to my mom. My sister is now 42, she never married or had kids or even have a boyfriend. When I asked her how come she never dated she said she was ,”Asexual” and men can’t deal with that. So I dropped it.
I am married and have a 7 year old, I am very overprotective, my husband, her father, was never allowed to change her or bathe etc. She never joins any team that has a male coach, or even be in the presence of male family members. recently my husband’s twin nieces wanted my daughter to have a sleep over, my husband and I argued and I told him no, she is not going to spend the night there. He said,”what is with you, if I never know any better mi woulda tink yuh was molested as a child.” Usually that would’ve been just an innocuous statement, but Met, it has being ruining my life. That same night I had a dream/vision or flashback I don’t know. In my drea, it’s me and my sister sleeping, and I wake up to find her on my father’s lap, when mi she, “daddy?” he said,”turn yuh face and go a yuh bed.” The next dream is, I wake up one night and see my sister on all fours with my daddy grinding behind her, I pretended to sleep till her told her pull down your dress and go lay down. Those are just the dreams. I know can remember after the bed wetting, my father said I should sleep with him and my mom, because my sister was,”pissing” me up. One night he woke to go pee and I woke up too, and said I wanted to go. When we were returning from the bathroom, he told me to go on, cuz he was going to wake my sister so she don’t pee the bed, I can remember falling asleep before he returned.
My question is are these dreams real? Was my father raping my sister and I repressed all these memories? Could one off the cuff statement bring these things back? I love my father and can’t imagine this. Who do I ask, my sister, or do I accuse my father of something that just may be nightmare based on my fear of my daughter being molested? If it is true, did my mother know? I want to believe not because I know she is a heavy sleeper and wouldn’t know when he was leaving the bed. I tell my husband everything but I haven’t told him this, it is affecting me in everyway, at work mi cannot focus, my husband said I have withdrawn, I usually visit my parents every Sunday with few exceptions I haven’t gone in three weeks. what do I do?
Please help
Daady girl
Baby girl those aren’t dream, they are memories stowed away in the corners of your mind thag is coming out because of a trigger (reuniting with your sister). Sometimes people go through therapy or other unconventional methods such as hypnosis to get these results. Now the hard part will be dealing with these memories that are coming back you may want to talk about it what your sister would like to forget you tread carefully please.
Try to connect with your sister on a deeper level, don’t just ask her try to be a closer friend, then when you think she trust you enough ask her, but be careful how you ask, you gotta have her know you’re on her side.. But I have one question for you, can you handle the truth?
I doubt she can really accept the truth. I’m bothered by the “daddy girl” sign-off given the fact that she’s having issues with imprints of daddy being a life destroyer.
Miss, do not con your sister into a friendship or false sense of sisterly love just to pick her brain in order to heal yourself. It’s apparent that your life is near perfect while fi har own isn’t.
To be asexual is some serious psychological damage. You need to let her know what you’re really after.
The sender needs psychotherapy; she has unresolved issues that are impacting her daily functionality. Please get some professional help.
Morning. Me nu done read cause senda me mus tell u that yu mother irks me from the part about yu father a hose down yu sister.
Yu mother is an enabler to your father’s wicked ways.
Same suh PP Same suh!@ age rass 12 at that!
She cockup and have husband a use cold wata hose down HER daughter nah cut no dash wid me. Conscience for being the cause of her peeing the bed, guilt because he’s removing his scent from her…and mumma cool wid dat?! Some women a tell yu…
Your Father hurt your sister bad to the deep of her soul and that hurt shaped the way your sister lived her entire life… You are very lucky your father didn’t touch you and violate you the way he did your sister. Your mother is no good to allow your father to hurt her daughter… I can’t understand how a mother would allow her husband a grown man to violate her own flesh and blood… Those are not dreams those are memories that are resurfacing because you must deal with it now that you have a young daughter… You must get help to deal with it, so you can be able to talk to your sister and be there for her… Reconnect with your sister and if you truly want to know I would ask my mother and my father why did you hurt my sister that way!!! That would be something I would do but you take your time to find a way to deal with what is now memories that are resurfacing because that’s nothing but God’s doing and he wants you to know the reason why your sister is the way she is right now and he is showing you these in what you call is a dream take it and be there for your sister because apparently that’s what God wants you to do…
This is a very sad story..the fact she don’t talk to her mother said it all..send I have a question for u..did ur mother work are ur father was the soul provider of the family???
Now me done read. You signed off as “daddy girl”, and for that it’s heard to accept that your father was sexually molesting your 12yrs old sister.
At age 8, you may not have had any exposure to sex (big people behavior), so your innocence computed what you saw as daddy helping or playing even if it weird.
You not imagining things- yu daddy condition you to not remember his deeds. Your mother wasn’t protective of the other man’s child…her daddy know. And your overprotective ways with your daughter is cause for rebellion later on.
P.S. I’ve lived the molested and sheltered role all in one.
*hard :p
PP
PP u brought tears to my eyes…glad u cld overcome d past, u r such a strong individual. :peluk
i say seek professional help, one by yourself and another with your sister if she is willing to go with you.
I wouldn’t reach the part where molestation is involved, the hosing down with cold water to my child alone would cost him his life, so molestation would not be apart of your memory, it would be your mother stabbing daddy to death, if this was my daughter, Some women lock their hearts to them belly pain, and leave up them children just to secure the love of a man, which that is ono love at all,not even like the man nuh like them, those were real, and not mere dreams, I blame your mother for what she allowed your father to do to this child, you noticed how quickly she says that the child was ungrateful. She knew why the litte girl never corresponded with you guys over the years.
Senda, I am so sorry to tell you this, but your memories are recollections of things you witness. I have learned the truth is never fuzzy, it has details whose relationship to time and space makes sense.
You did not only remember the many rape of your sister. You remembered being instructed to go back to sleep. You remembered what it felt like when told to turn you face. You can place the abuse within the time frame of her starting to wet her bed @12 smh. Even if the mememories were not real, you are. You remember what it felt like and that cannot be faked. You had a real emotional response, and you took the drastic step if stopping your pilgrimage to your parent’s home. But only until you can “confront”. How do you explain this?
You discribe the baths he gave your sis. Which adult man gives a bath to a pubescent girl who is capable? A wey dem do dat at? In clinical my experience Only pedofiles do that ish. finally, I find what you called yourself interesting. A “daddy girl”. Which says to me – you were made to feel love, safe and secure, lets not mention you were provided for by none other than your father. Yet, you are so rigid with your daughter to the point where you don’t even trust her with her own father. If you need more proof then go see a counselor. On second thought go and see one anyway.
Sender aa a daddy’s girl mi self mi can understand how you don’t want to acknowledge that your daddy is a monster. I know you must love your mother also that’s why yuh tell yuh tell yourself that she did a sleep while your father f**ked off her child. Sorry,not sorry for being blunt. He hurt your sister and she is still hurt. Please, move gently with her, build trust she may tell yuh. Seek help this is too big to ignore.
Sender your over protective behaviour towards your own daughter is enough to safely say you know your dad did abuse your sister but because you’ve supress it so long it’s only slowly coming to the surface your sister need a sister and not a walk down memory lane you too need to seek help .please get help for your daughter sake . As to your mother she is surely a shit house and while you are busy protecting your daughter from the male species just try and remember females can sexually abuse too and in your mothers case she is just as guilty as your dad .
She answered her own question. Di madda and fadda waan tie up and beat.
This is such a sad yet common problem in Jamaica. Especially country man. Dem man deh! All goat mi see dem f**k.
Darling, being a survivor of sexual, emotional, mental & sexual abuse myself. I would encourage you to face you the facts. Ask The Spirit of God for healing in every area you need, workout, get therapy, get therapy, get therapy, and get more therapy. It is apart of our culture to accept abuse & ” sweep it under the rug” or ” deal wid it a next time”. But remember, healing can’t occur until the wound is exposed, cleaned and addressed properly.
May God Keep you as it gets harder before it gets easier.
Good Afternoon Met & Metters
OMG pedophilia is so rampant. Sender you need professional help. May God bless and heal u and ur sister. SMH!
Many times bedwetting in older children is a sign of dealing with heavy stress, and scekual molestation would fit the bill. I can’t even imagine what she endured when she came alone with the father to the US. Poor child did not stand a chance. Then your mother saying she is ungrateful also have me raising my eyes, what mother would refer to a child as being ungrateful? your mother may well know everything that happened.
Sender, you absolutely need to seek help if you feel it will help you. The bottom line is you need to be able to accept and manage the reality that your father abused your sister before you can deal with the impact this will have on your sister and parents from searching for the truth.
Equally as important is the impact this has had on your functioning as a parent. It’s quite common for survivors to find that their own experiences of being a parent trigger this type of hyper vigilance and over protectiveness.None of which is healthy.
You need to understand that whilst your sister was the main victim, you are also a victim of this as although you were not sexually abuse to be exposed to the rape of you sister undoubtedly has scarred you.
Trauma leaves footnotes within victims. You just did not have the understanding of what was happening but the fact it has had this impact only demonstrates that psychologically and emotionally you experienced whatever you saw in a traumatic way.
Don’t try to tackle this situation until you are ready as you could potentially hurt your sister and create problems.
It would however be valuable if your sister could experience what you eventually say and your support as positives. You really don’t know how she feels and her stance may be her way to survive and deal with the trauma she experienced.
I imagine she may have told her father something even if not the truth hence the lack of contact when she left. Your mothers statement that your sister was ungrateful speaks volumes.
This is a sensitive area, full of landmines waiting to explode. I wish you well.
I like how you put it… :maafaganwati
Gn everyone,PP thanks for sharing,i admire your strength!!our subconcious is always active even when we dream.so that it allows us to rationalize what is plausible from what is not.It is very plausible that you n ur sis were sexually abused,the details is what u are working out in your mind. Come to terms that this may have happened then seek professional help cu hypnosis will reveal more answers to u.
Come up with an action plan involving Daddy n Mommy having an accident!Daddy didn’t make it n Mom is in a coma for life. Go to his funeral n go to her bedside n bawl ur eyes out,then n only then u will heal.best of luck!
I think its just amazing how d mind works. Sender I’m sorry to confirm ur worst fears, but those were not just dteams or figments of ur imagination, they were real experiences. I think what transpired was, ur mind suppressed those thoughts until u were old enough to piece d puzzle together & make sense of it so it was suppressed & buried deep in ur thoughts & manifested itself into dreams. Becoming a mother & reconnecting with ur sister released those childhood memories deeply rooted in ur mind. I think deep down u know d truth… Trust ur instincts, u r not paranoid ur sister was violated /molested by ur father he used d fact that she wet her bed to manipulate her & drove fear & shame into her with d cold baths to carry out his mantra, which was to sexually molest her. Thats how abusers are, they prey on their victims weaknesses & use it as a fear factor to drive fear in their victims. Fear is d silencer… Ur mom very well know y she choose to distance herself from d family, it will just rehase d past, so she just kept to herself. Instead of standing in support of her child she cower in fear of her husband & in denial…she was & is a sorry excuse of a mother. No man cldnt try that shit with my child rlse i wld an be on deathrow my child wld an affi piss up d bed till chink tek it until i devise a civil way & a loving manner to help her stop wetting her bed. Sender ur sister is deeply tramatised & so r u too u both need professional help to deal with d pain of d past which still lingers, u will not get d truth from ur parents even if u asked but i think if u form a sincere relationship & build a genuine bond with ur sister she will confide in u, also be honest with ur husband & tell him what u think happened in ur past & how this is affecting ur ability to trust & y u r so protective of ur child, I know he will understand. I wish u & ur sister d best & i hope u both receive professional help to overcome those past experience & move forward. God bless u.
This is so sad, its no dream. Your sister was molested by your father. Try talking to your sister, don’t spring anything on her. Just take it easy. I pray you’ll both find closure. God bless you!